Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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