I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
