I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
