he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
