the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
