Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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