I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
