We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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