One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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