I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
