Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
