We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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