you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
