Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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