Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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