Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
whose parrot is this?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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