I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
