shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
