We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
