The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She needs sedatives and a leash
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
