Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
