she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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