We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
