forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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