I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
