Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
