do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize