It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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