Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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