im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
