I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bring money and cleavage
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
