if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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