My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
