I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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