I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
