thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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