STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
