Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
