So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
