What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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