her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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