things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
