the condom got lost in my hair
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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