Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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