mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
