there's paper in my vomit.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
