Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
