i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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