wrigley field is MILF paradise
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
