I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
