i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
