Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
