omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
