we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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