Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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