Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
