textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
