Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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