I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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