I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
false alarm, still single
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