im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You've changed since you got that strap on
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize